Sometimes...I struggle

My ride is here...I'm on the Struggle bus

[Image description: a close up stylized shot of some moss against brick. Photo taken and played with by the author]

Hello my starbabe sunshines. I hope that in spite of the horror that is this timeline, this finds you as well as you can be.

I myself am struggling per usual. Let’s talk about it.

So, if you haven’t been with me for a while I made a decision this year to divest myself of trying to make money with my art (writing mostly but we’ll get to that) and it has been real fuckin hard. First, I had to really sit with my failures which have been expensive and numerous. I love money tryin’ to make money.

Second thing was, I had to sit with the fact that for LOTS of reasons, people don’t want to pay for my writing mostly. You don’t have to try and soften that, there is more than a decade of empirical evidence about this. It hurt and it really sucked but I’m pretty much at peace with that part.

The biggest problem I am struggling with is that I have some things I want to do. Hustles. Arty shit. MAKER shit and I’m not all the way in to letting myself do the shit I know how to do and also, try to sell those things. I dunno. Like not writing stuff. I really LOVE to make body care stuff, witchy hair oils steeped in herbs and intentions, beard oils for my beardy babes. I crochet.

And I’m terrified to do those things, as in spend the cash for supplies, spend the time making and then showing them to people. I am shit scared.

I’m struggling but I’m working on it. I want to give myself the chance to maybe do some stuff I love AND maybe make a few dollars because bitches gotta eat.

Now, the reason I struggle with these things is that I was not taught as a lil potato that just doing something for joy or fun was valuable. I believe that doing something for joy or fun is valuable but, lately because my economic situation is not really set up to support it, I’m struggling.

That said, we out here struggling and doing the shit anyway.

I’ve been practicing some of the type of photography I like. I’m getting ready to sell off some shawls I made to fund my other hobbies. Over at Patreon well, some shit is about to happen and I’m really excited about it even if it means I won’t make as much money there.

I’m letting this weight of how I was taught to engage with capitalism slide right the fuck off my shoulders.

All this said, this is shit I thought I had settled. I don’t and that is okay. It sucks and it feels regressive but sometimes, you gotta just get through it.

The reason I wanted to share this with y’all is that, for reasons beyond my understanding, ALL of my woo shit (I do the witchy shit), and the universe in general feels like it is prodding me to let more shit go. Let go and see what happens.

Y’alls, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going…..but I am having a little bit of a good time on the way. Like, I don’t hate how I feel and what I’ve been making. I dunno y’all. 2020 is LARGELY hot mother fucking garbage.

Like….how many times a day am I breaking the fourth wall fully Deadpool style…a lot.

But also, on a spiritual level I feel like some stuff is happening that I feel good about.

My message this go round is this my loves. Sometimes, when shit feels bad and hard, it is worth it to hang in there with the bad feelings and work it out. It is okay to struggle. And flounder in the struggle sometimes. I feel like too often we’re pushed to solve things and we don’t give ourselves the time to just experience a struggle, look at it, say hey struggle you suck but we here.

It is OKAY to not know what you’re doing sometimes.

It is OKAY to not know how to do a thing.

Sometimes, you just gotta ride the confusion wave and sometimes things come clear. Sometimes they don’t. That is okay.

We don’t have to ‘fix’ everything right now.

With that said next time I’m gonna do some self promotional things. But until then. If you would like a copy of the original Self Care Like a Boss in all her flawed 2012 glory click here.

Now go forth my darlings. Make some art. Enjoy yoself. Take a little joy where you can find it.